What My Young Daughter is Teaching an Old Dad

When my daughter Brynn was about eight, my life as a selfish, myopically-American conservative businessman changed forever. That change in me helped shape her worldview. Now all these years later, she’s returning the favor by reminding me of what I’ve forgotten.

The big change

In 2004, my wife and I adopted Nik & Meg from Kazakhstan, and that opened us up to a much bigger world. It’s a fascinating story, but for now, suffice it to say that everything changed for me. I grew a heart, and my life has never been the same. Happily, it impacted our three older kids in wonderful ways, too. They’re all passionate to change the world. Especially, maybe, Brynn.

Fast forward to Corona-ville 2020.

Brynn has been staying with us during this social-distancing thing. I love my girl. She is fierce about making a difference; not just speaking up, but actually doing something. She is a teacher is an under-served school in Colorado. And she’s very good at it. She’ll tell you she got her passion from her parents.

So, it’s embarrassing to admit that her dad seems to have lost his.

Getting old

I believe there’s a difference between getting old and growing old. Getting old is a passive thing. It’s something that happens to all of us, without even trying. You’re getting older as you read this (you may feel it!) It’s a sad truth, but, as Jim Morrison said, No one here gets out alive.

Growing old

Growing old, on the other hand, is a choice. In fact, it’s thousands of choices, big and little. We have all the power. The scary thing is, it doesn’t take much effort at all to start growing old. Sad to say, recently, I’ve been growing old.

The symptom? Me being critical of Brynn’s efforts, instead of supportive. Weirdly, I’ve felt it was my responsibility to poke holes in her beliefs. Play the devil’s advocate. You know, “balance her out.”

As the days went on with her here at home, the “balancing” turned into a divide. Before you know it, I found myself arguing for positions that I really don’t believe in. I realized I was looking at my daughter as the fall guy (fall woman?) for societal changes happening that I was uncomfortable with. And…maybe there was a hint of jealousy there, too?

Yuck.

What happened to me?

I think I’m feeling the world moving on without me. Face it: at 57, I’m really not the target audience for much of anything. (Except things you’d rather not be the target for.) My opinions don’t matter as much; there are far louder, far younger voices saying a lot more. But, instead of living my core beliefs and adjusting as necessary, I’ve been digging in my heels and fighting against them. Just complaining. That, my friends, is what’s known as growing old.

In other words, I’m now the guy yelling, “Lousy kids. Get off my lawn!” (In fact, when you finish reading this, you’ll see pictures of Clint and me side by side. Unplanned, and pret-ty scary.)

I remember what I used to be like, when she was eight. (And much more recently than that.) I want to be that guy again. But I can see it’s going to take some work.

Wrinkles on the soul

I found this poem called "Youth" by Samuel Ullman. Here are a few lines that hit me. Read them slowly. Maybe you agree?

"Youth is not a time of life; it is a state of mind...

it is a matter of the will, a quality of the imagination...

Youth means...courage over timidity...adventure over the love of ease…

Nobody grows old merely by a number of years. We grow old by deserting our ideals.

Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul.

I really don’t want to grow old.

It’s harder now than it used to be. And to that I have to say, So what?! I just need to work at it.

THIS is what I truly want. To stay young as I get old. Not in some get-a-tattoo, buy-a-sports-car way (ooh! Except a Tesla.) Rather, in my way of thinking and saying and doing; to keep trying to improve the world and help others. I’ll be more purposeful in ways to get closer to being that person. I can see it’s going be harder the older I get. So be it.

So, I’m sorry, Brynn. You’re not the problem—I am.

Looking at you, my young daughter, and how you’re living your life, is giving me an example. There’s absolutely no need to try and fix you. Instead, I gotta adjust myself. Refocus on living the life I truly want to live. I am getting old. I don’t have to grow old.

Thanks for teaching me.

But you can still stay off my lawn. :)