Zack Vayda and Identity Crises: Part 2
All people encounter at least two major crises in their lives; the first is puberty, where a singular view of reality expands to a duality, and the second is in early adulthood, where the duality evolves into a vast variety of perspectives, backgrounds, opinions, and beliefs. This second crisis is the catalyst that puts educated, confident, aware people into the world. These are the people most likely bound for success, happiness, and purpose.
Accept the Pain
Unfortunately, though, not everyone makes it through these crises in a healthy, productive way. In fact, fewer people navigate both crises successfully than those who don’t. The essential, non negotiable lesson to learn in both crises is to accept the friction, fear, and conflict that accompany it. The pain must be felt and accepted, because, only then, can the crisis be fully understood. Regretfully, individuals can struggle through crises with their eyes closed, ignoring the pain. When they come out the other end of that crisis, they are no better off, or even worse, than they were before.
High School Algebra
Imagine a teenager in her first year of high school. She is taking Algebra 1, a class she (understandably) detests. She struggles through each assignment and puts forth just enough effort to achieve a passing grade. Then, days before the final exam, she comes across the answer key. She spends the next few days memorizing the key and passes the exam with flying colors. Then, the following year, she begins her Algebra 2 class, only to find out she is woefully unprepared. The concepts she ignored in Algebra 1 are the same ideas she is having difficulty with in Algebra 2. The only way it will even be possible for her to catch up to her peers is if she re-learns the content from Algebra 1.
Using the answer key to bypass the learning for an exam sets individuals back in the same way ignoring the friction in a crisis does. Then, only once they reach another crisis, do they realize they never dealt with the friction in the first place. Instead of taking on a new crisis with a new set of challenges, the individual is forced to re-open and readdress the old wounds from the previous crisis before any progress can be made, effectively setting the individual back in the growth and maturing process.
Puberty
“Crisis ignorance” to the first crisis (i.e. puberty) is less common, primarily because it is so widely accepted as a real event. Because it has a name, and because guardians often communicate with their children through it, the children often feel at least a foundational level of support through their first crisis. They know their doubts and worries are acceptable. This gives them the freedom and space to work their way through it in a healthy way. Thus, most of the world’s young adult and adult population has achieved the level of dual-awareness (the existence of two ways of life).
Quarter-Life Crisis
The second crisis, (let’s call it the quarter-life crisis, for the sake of consistency), however, is far less often discussed. Young adults going through a quarter-life crisis often feel isolated, as if they are the only ones dealing with difficulties. These young adults feel the societal pressure to appear normal and stable, often resulting in the purposeful (and understandable) ignorance of the quarter-life crisis. Because few adults were ever allowed the grace, time, and space to work through the crisis in a healthy way, a significantly smaller percentage of adults have learned the most important quarter-life crisis lesson; that there are not just two perspectives in life, but an endless number of them.
The evidence to support this theory is incontrovertible. Far too many adults believe in nothing but absolutes; life is about right and wrong, black and white, left and right. The media, the political climate, and the ignorance of common understandings (i.e. global warming, anti-vaxxing, the flat Earth theory) all point to an “us vs. them” mentality, the primary characteristic of an inefficient negotiation through the quarter-life crisis.
“What should I do?”
In one way or another, this information applies to you:
If you find yourself often relying on an “us vs. them” mentality, even if you are past your quarter-life years, this may be an indicator that you have yet to successfully learn from the quarter-life crisis. Give yourself the grace and space to ask questions. “What is it that I believe?” “Why do I believe what I believe?” “Am I afraid of something?” “Do I feel an emptiness in any part of my life?” “Do I feel there is more to life than what I see now?” Sit with these questions and accept the friction and uncertainty that comes with them.
If you have been wrestling with these same questions already, know that you are not alone. You are one amongst thousands having the same doubts, fears, angers, and uncertainties. It’s alright to feel these things and not yet have answers. Take solace in knowing you will come out of this crisis on the other end, stronger, wiser, and more aware than you are now.
If you have already gone through your quarter-life crisis and now see the world as the boundless spectrum of life that it is, take comfort in knowing, although there will be crises in the future to navigate, you are on the right path. Remember how difficult it was for you to learn these lessons, and help others that may be stumbling. Extend your patience and respect to them in their time of need to help them understand their pain and doubt is normal and acceptable. It may not feel like a significant offering, but this is how meaningful, lasting change and growth happens; one person at a time.