Zack Vayda and Identity Crises: Part 1
In the beginning, there is one cell. There is no other, there is just this singularity. Then, beyond logic, one cell becomes two. For the cell, this must be a frightening experience. It was alone, and then it wasn’t.
This newcomer is different.
But how could it be, when it was born of the first cell? This must mean they are, somehow, both separate and the same. Is that possible?
Then, the two cells become four. The cell had just come to terms with being separate and the same with just one other cell, and now there are three?
This is all very confusing. These cells are not the first cell, but they are, because they came from the first cell.
Impossible.
But yet, here they are.
This must mean any number of cells can exist separately, but, incredibly, simultaneously, be the same. The first cell comes to terms with this just in time for four cells to become eight.
But now, when eight becomes sixteen and sixteen becomes thirty-two, the first cell is no longer concerned. For now, it seems, its place in existence must be for a purpose.
After all, why else would there be so many of it?
Life is One
It seems to me life, or more accurately, growth of any kind, follows a similar pattern.
First, there is a relative sense of simplicity, of oneness. There are no disagreements or conflicts, because if there is only one thing, what else is there to find friction with? Then, as time goes on and the entity grows, it accumulates knowledge. Knowledge becomes a kind of catalyst, an identity crisis, to push the being into a space where one becomes two. The singularity feels a pull toward duality, and with it comes the first experience of conflict. This conflict is the worst it can be, because if, just a time ago, everything was perfect, this first experience of friction and change would feel like the entire world is being pulled apart (hence, identity crisis).
Life is Two
This is the first opportunity where an entity is challenged, and how it deals with the challenge will change the trajectory from here on out. If the entity finds a way to balance the two sides, creating a happy medium, the entity will be set up for the future. When another identity crisis reveals itself in the future, the entity will be well prepared to work through it.
Life is Many
Now, the entity has learned to find comfort and belonging in the duality after the first crisis. The entity has continued to grow and gain more knowledge, and because of that knowledge, a second identity crisis arises. The second identity crisis is history repeating itself and is nearly as important as the first. Now, the entity learns there are not just two perspectives; there are, in fact, infinite possibilities. Choices, paths, and point of views exist on a vast spectrum. This will be a tough pill to swallow, but luckily, the entity has gone through a significant change before. It has the tools from the first identity crisis to tread these waters, to be comfortable stumbling and learning through friction, because that’s how it succeeded before. On the other end of the second crisis, the entity comes out stronger, wiser, and more unique than ever before, because it knows how it fits within the infinite spectrum that is this life.
Now, without practical examples in our lives, everything so far has just been a bunch of esoteric mumbo jumbo. It means nothing unless we can see it happen with our own eyes. But, if we look closely, we see it all the time. In fact, we’ve all experienced it to one extent or another.
Life is One
When I was very young, from my perspective, I was more an extension of my parents than I was my own person. I was just a reflection of the world around me, and my perspective was singular. Then, during the “golden years” of middle school, I like most everyone, had my first identity crisis. The catalyst might have been spurred by a combination of significant life events; maybe I realized my parents weren’t always 100% right, maybe my brain hit full capacity with all the knowledge it had accumulated from my life, maybe I had a significant loss in my life. Or, most likely, this is just another way to say I went through puberty. If so, though, we’ve made light of what puberty is. Puberty is completely synonymous with an identity crisis. It has to be; how else can I explain how one moment I’d be demanding my own freedom, and the next crying in my mother’s arms? It’s because I was feeling a pull to stay within the safety of my preexisting, singular life, as well as a pull toward being something separate from them.
Life is Two
Luckily, given enough time and space to traverse this terrifying new territory, I was able to reconcile the two; I learned I can be my own person, discover my own self, and still be in a meaningful relationship to my singular life and my parents. This is something we’ve all experienced, to one extent or another.
Life is Many
My second identity crisis occurred when I attended college. There, I experienced significant love and significant loss, and, most importantly, I was exposed to people, perspectives, and ways of life of immense variety. Slowly, I realized this new information I was receiving could no longer be categorized into my two-dimensional perspective. My two-filing-cabinet system of organization in my head was no longer adequate. I had to figure out where I belonged in a world infinitely larger than the duality I thought was the final word. This could have been a disaster, but I had experienced another crisis before. I had survived that crisis and I acquired a road map to help me again. Relying on that past experience, I was, slowly, painstakingly, able to traverse this second identity crisis. I came out the other end stronger, and now I am more confident, more able, and more connected to myself than I ever could have been before.
Crises are Growth
We all have experienced at least one identity crisis before. If, as I believe, this process is cyclical, we will all be facing more crises in our future. Undeniably, this is a daunting thought; no one revels knowing there will always be another difficult chapter in our lives. But this also means we will be privy to the beautiful, and essential, growth that accompanies this friction. Through the pain, we will have the opportunity to learn more about this world, we will learn more about ourselves, and we will better understand our place in this life.