The Power of the Second Thought
Ever hate what you think about someone?
We’ve all done it.
We’re with a good friend, a spouse, a relative. And suddenly, a crappy little thought pops up.
It could be envy. Or a feeling of competition. Or pouncing on a flaw. Maybe, you’re suddenly angry with them, but you have no idea why.
We’d never admit it, but quite often our thoughts aren’t very nice. I have some good news, and then I’ll have a challenge for you. If you follow through, it’ll change your thoughts. And maybe your life.
But first…
I learn so much from my children and their partners. What I’m sharing here came from a conversation with Claudia, Zack's soon-to-be-wife, while on a Vayda Family hike. Thanks, future daughter-in-law!
So. Back to that ugly thought you have about your spouse, friend, children, co-worker. Here’s the good news, and it’s really important:
You are not responsible for your first thought.
That’s right. That first, not-so-nice thought that just pops up automatically? Fuggedaboutit.
You can let it go, because it’s a built-in feature of who you are, and you really don’t have any control of it. That should make you feel a bit better.
I’m big into the Enneagram, which is a way of understanding yourself, your motivations, strengths and weaknesses. Owning who you are is the first step towards living the Good life, and the Enneagram is an excellent tool to get you closer to that.
I am an Enneagram One. AKA the Reformer. AKA the Perfectionist. (I much prefer the first AKA. But I admit I am both.) My philosophy: there’s always a way to improve, and frankly, it’s my job to find it, dag-nabbit! As a result, I am very analytical.
My first thoughts
are usually about the one thing necessary to improve…that person. And I hate to admit it, but those first thoughts can sometimes be a little crappy. And then, the first thought can sometimes lead to further thoughts of criticism. And then, I hate myself for not being the nice person I wish I was (because Ones never stop critiquing themselves. As critical as we are about others, we are even more so about ourselves. Oh, it’s a tough business being a One.)
That simple truth—I am not responsible for my first thought—reminds me that it is natural for me to be critical. I cannot help but analyze. You could say, it’s my superpower…when used correctly. But my first thoughts—alone—can lead down a road that is not helpful or productive.
The good news is, there’s a space.
There is a Space
Victor Frankl said something brilliant: Between stimulus and response, there is a space. The stimulus is your first thought. The space is where you decide what to think next. Your second thought.
The first thought happens before we can even think. But the second thought is the one we control. It’s the one that leads to more thoughts, and to words, and to actions. Those can be critical or helpful. All because we use the space to decide what the second thought should be.
The second thought can be a course correction. It can be a positive thought. A useful thought. A loving thought. There is potential for Good in the second thought.
Let it go
You’re off the hook for that first thought, so simply let it slide on by and out of your head. And you can look upstream for what your second thought will be. And that’s where the magic can happen. Where your superpower can be put to good use.
For me? I’ve decided that my second thought better be about love. More specifically, it means having empathy. To look at the person with grace and hope. My second thought begins with me saying to myself, Mike man, you have no idea what you don’t know about this person, the day they’re having, the life they’re living. We’re all broken. Give them grace. Give them a break.
I’ve found this very freeing. It gives me an opportunity to get closer to the person I’m face to face with…and to the person I want to be.
What about you?
What is your first thought about people? Do you…
Fear not being loved or liked by them?
Need to be the winner, better than them?
Envy? Noticing what they have that you don’t?
Compare? Finding a way you are better than them?
‘Give in’ to them, instead of speaking up for yourself?
The challenge
Here’s the part where you can change your thinking, and maybe your life.
Pay attention today to your inner first thoughts towards others. Don’t judge, just notice.
Once you start to see a trend, label it. “My first thought is usually…”
Own it. Understand it’ll likely always be your default.
Give yourself a break! It’s how you’re put together. Remember, when it’s used for Good, it’s your superpower.
Most importantly…what should your second thought be?
The Space in between
It will define your relationships. Define you as a person.
You can get closer to the Good life simply by deciding what your second thought should be—and thinking it.
And, then, your words and actions can be wonderful things.
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What will you do with it?
But wait! there’s more.
