Zack Vayda and 2020 College Graduates
Five Years
This weekend, I virtually met with Kurt and Spencer, my two closest friends from college. Saturday marked our 5 year graduation anniversary. While all three of us are now in healthy places regarding occupations, relationships, and all-around “adulting,” it took us far longer to adjust to adult life after college than I had thought it would. I remember a 19-year-old Zack telling someone he theorized it took, on average, one to two years for graduates to adjust to adult life; now I know graduates that only need one or two years are the exception. After I graduated, I held down a terrible entry-level position my first year, moved back home with my parents my second year, got another life-sucking job my third year, finally landed a healthy occupation and began committing to a positive long-term relationship my fourth year, and now, on my fifth year, I can say I’ve truly begun to settle into and enjoy adulthood (there were three seasons of unemployment scattered in there as well, by the way).
It took me five years to get my s*** figured out.
Tectonic Plates
When I look back on those five tumultuous years, I know my path was made more challenging than average because of my own hangups (fierce independence, impatience, unwillingness to let college go, a forceful dedication to unhealthy habits, etc). I was trying so hard to maintain my connection to my college self that I was holding myself back from establishing a strong foundation in adulthood. It took me years before, with the help of stern conversations from trustworthy people, I realized I had to set aside college Zack in order to focus on future Zack. It felt to me like a fault line. The tectonic plate of my college experience was buckling underneath the much larger tectonic plate of a potential healthy and happy adulthood. The longer I held on to the college plate, the more friction there was. It created life-quakes in the form of unemployment, strained relationships, inactive potential, almost having to live with your parents a second time, and severe unhappiness. Finally, and almost too late, I started (over time) to allow the college plate to slide under and let the adulthood plate take its place.
Hard Times
I can’t imagine not having the experiences I got from my last semester of college. I can’t imagine the lack of closure, the loneliness, the disconnectedness this year’s graduates must be experiencing. Their pain, I’m sure, is deep and wretched. But I think there’s potential for good to come of it. Not immediately, but eventually, once the pain has subsided. This pandemic could give graduates permission to pay closer attention to the friction between their college and adulthood tectonic plates much sooner (and much more viscerally) than in the past. Maybe something meaningful can be gleaned from an incredibly lonely and disconnected time for recent graduates. Over the next few years, I wonder if the workforce will see a wave of productive workers. I wonder if communities will expand into areas of deeper self-knowledge and awareness. I wonder if more people will dedicate their lives to living intentionally and establishing healthy habits. I wonder if issues of social justice, equity, and awareness of the global footprint will come to the forefront. I wonder if the entertainment industry will see a surge of quality, purposeful content from artists. I think this future is possible. I think, as hard times make strong men and women, hard times can also make strong graduates.
Giving Yourself the Advantage
Because I believe this generation of graduates has unique potential, I’d like to humbly offer five pieces of advice in the hopes that it might help someone somewhere find their path sooner than I did.
Feel this loss. You’ve lost something significant, which means you must go through the grieving process. Feel your emotions fully and thoroughly. You’re allowed to cry. You're allowed to be furious. You’re allowed to feel lonely and depressed. Don’t push those feelings away, because, otherwise, they’ll come up sometime down the road when you least expect it.
When you have a choice, choose delayed gratification over immediate pleasure. When presented with feeling good now or feeling good later, choose later. This will help you avoid unintentionally supporting your unhealthy habits. Choose the good feeling that comes after exercising as opposed to the immediate (but fleeting) enjoyment of not exercising. Choose waking up feeling energized as opposed to the immediate enjoyment of staying up late and eating food at 3am. If you do this, you’ll begin to understand all good things in life take time. You’ll be more patient with yourself, with others, and with your current season of life.
Create and maintain healthy habits. Exercise, meditate, read, write, eat healthier, wake up earlier, do whatever you feel you need for your well-being. Set your standards low, emphasize consistency over intensity, and have someone to keep you accountable when possible. Adult life is so much slower than college; it was one of the most difficult transitions for me. But there are benefits to a slower pace. Over time, one less snack a day becomes 20 pounds shed. Over time, one sentence a day becomes a book. Over time, one short walk a day becomes a completed 5k. If you do this, when life throws you curveballs, you’ll have your strong foundation in your habits to help you weather the storm.
Hang on to your hobby. When life slows down and you hate that you just said, “I need to stop drinking tea by 3pm or I’ll be up all night,” you might feel that you’ve lost the things that made you you, and all that’s left is an automaton, completing daily functions. The best way to combat that feeling is to stick to the things you’ve always enjoyed doing, the things you like telling other people that you do for fun. Keep playing guitar, keep painting, keep writing or reading or knitting or playing basketball or fixing cars. Then, when you hear yourself saying, “I really love the way the teakwood accent brings the room together,” you can remind yourself you are still a human being with a cool hobby.
Enjoy the little things. One of the benefits of a slower pace of life is you begin to notice things you wouldn’t have otherwise. Don’t shy away from those things. It’s okay to prefer your drinks in a clean glass with three ice cubes, it’s okay to have a favorite cardigan, it’s okay to love the way teakwood brings your room together. When the little things in life become enjoyable, you’ll notice each and every day is also a little more enjoyable. If someone makes fun of you for that, you can know you’re probably a happier person than they are.
Moving Forward
When one tectonic plate sinks underneath the other, the plate becomes the foundation on which the other plate moves. Allowing your college plate to sink under your adult plate means your college experience becomes the bedrock for your adulthood. You are not losing your college experience; your college experience is becoming immortalized.
You are in a uniquely hard position. But life is hard, so if you’re experiencing this hardship now, it means you understand more about life than most people (most adults, even). It doesn’t feel like it, but this is an advantage given to you. Begin this new chapter of your life knowing you are more prepared because of this hardship. You are already experiencing one of the hardest lessons life has to teach you, which means you are now free to shape your life the way you want it to be.