“Your Son has left the Family!”

Well, that’s not exactly what it said. But even though it was just an email from Apple announcing a technology change, it didn’t feel that way.

For a weird moment, I caught my breath. It felt like Jake was leaving the family. Just one more experience as the father of adult children. This stage of parenting seems to be all about losing things; contracting my life. But, it can also be about expanding. It’s a big lesson I’m learning recently. Maybe you too?

It shouldn’t have been a surprise

Jake and I had agreed that it might be a good time for him to get his own iCloud storage. And yet, just the wording of the email hit me kinda hard. Jake is no longer participating in Family Sharing. It was another reminder of the losses a parent goes through, as their children grow up and out into their own life.

“Adult children." Weird.

I always thought that was an awkward phrase. If your children are now adults…what does it mean to still be their father? Now that all five of our kids are on their own, I’m seeing my role as a very fluid one. Sometimes I do it right, sometimes I do it wrong (as is evident from a previous post regarding my daughter.)

And for the record, I am 100% OK with each of them "leaving the group.” It means they’re launching into their own lives. It’s proof of success for me and Heidi. I’m proud of all five. Each is at a different stage of adulting. And it’s been quite the journey the past year. (Good Lord. You do not want to know.) But I can honestly say, (as of this minute at least) all five are doing well. Of course, that could all change by the time you read this.

But let’s just assume it’s still true, ‘mkay?

That’s the good news. And it really is good news. But, let’s be honest. It’s also a little sad. Jake doing his own iCloud storage means it’s one less connection we have. I’m realizing they are breaking away. And we can never go back. Not the Apple part; the life part. My life is contracting, getting smaller, as they go into theirs.

This contracting recalls regrets.

I read a post by Zack, and it reminded me of how much time I was away when he was young. It’s so obvious to me now at this age: I wish I had spent more hours with that little boy and less trying to grow a business. There are plenty of regrets for each of my kids. I was worse than some dads; better than others. Mostly, though, it’s the same concept: I wish I would’ve spent more time with them. (And for you parents of children still at home…I highly recommend you heed my words. You’ll be glad you did.)

There is no undo

That’s why they call it regret, right? Because there is nothing you can do to make it better now. What’s done is done. At times, I think “regret” is another word for “parent.”

What about you? If you’re a parent, do you have regrets? I sure have them…but I don’t dwell on them. I hope you realize, there is no value in regretting. It’s far better to resolve to do better now. Keep trying to get closer to Good. That’s all you have, is now. But, “father of adult children” always means bittersweet. Not gonna lie.

A single picture

Years ago, when our kids were still young, Heidi found a picture in a magazine. It was a family, all grown, around a chaotic but beautiful dinner table, outside in some gorgeous place. We think it’s Italy. We looked at that picture a lot. We talked a lot about that picture. The more we talked, the more we realized, that is our future for our family. Heidi realized it first, then I caught the vision too. Even as the kids were young, we’d look at it and say, we want that!

We were able to look into an uncertain future, and decide, when our kids grow up, that is who we want to be. And we’ve been working towards that ever since. When we kept our eyes on that picture, that vision, it helped anchor us and be better parents. Because we had a goal.
Thank God for that picture. It was a great example of being careful little eyes, what you see. We saw that vision, way ahead of time, and it’s helping create a future we are beginning to live with our kids today.

Expanding, too

When I think of that Italian Meal Picture, I realize all these current contractions can also mean expansion.

Losing Jake also means he and his new awesome wife are starting their own iCloud group, and their own family (just two…for now) We love Kaelia, and what she brings into the family. And what a powerful feeling to see the Vayda name continue and do great things for others, all the way across the country (check out their YouTube channel. Pretty cool.)

Seeing Zack and Claudia plan their life together, and what she adds to the Vayda Fam, is such a blessing. We need her. Brynn is doing her amazing stuff; Nik and Meg are beginning to find their way. It’s all expanding.

When things contract, it’s easy to get possessive of what you have left. It’s the "get off my lawn” mindset. It’s harder, but it’s also possible to look at this contraction as a new expansion. My kids are doing a lot more than I ever did. It’s like there’s a bigger lawn now.

One where we can set up an extra big table and have a beautiful, chaotic meal together.

Parenting never ends, and it never gets easy.

But I’m learning. I see that email, and it creates sadness and reminds me of things I didn’t do. But I choose, instead, to see a bigger family, a bigger table created by Jake leaving. Contract, and expand.

It’s like breathing. You need to do both to be alive.

Closer to…?

1. Do you feel like your life is contracting? Why?

2. Can you see it also an expanding? How?

3. Do you have an “Italy dinner picture” to guide you?

But wait! there’s more.